Category: humor

The Smartphone Dream.

Like any other day I sat on the couch sliding through my facebook wall and watching a movie in TV simultaneously (we excel in multi-tasking just like the new age mobile processors). While I sit there with my eyes fixed in the phone and my ears dedicated to the movie, my ears come across couple of interesting ads on the TV. So am going to talk about it and share my thought.

India is renowned for accommodating high number of telecom service providers. You see, it’s kinda funny, since the telecom market in India is highly competitive and involves a considerable degree of government intervention these service providers cannot start price wars and hence the only way to woo customers is through their appalling ads.

The first ad goes like this- This ad is to promote the telecom service providers called ‘IDEA’. They brought out this amazing *sarcastic cough* concept called IIN which basically stands for Idea Internet Network. They claim that the youngsters in the country can stop going to educational institutions and pursue their academic dreams through their IIN. So in the ad we are shown two youngsters sitting on a hillside.Let us name them A and B for our – mmh- my convenience. A seems to be holding a brochure of some hotel management school. B then says that his father isn’t financially strong enough to send him to a hotel management school. Now A throws the brochure high up in the air and kind of screams with utmost confidence “We don’t have to go to school to study!”  B curiously asks “What? Then how?” and then the other one takes out his smart phone and says “We will study through IIN!” I sit there staring at all this mockery. Man, when I wanted to join college, I went through an enormous number of colleges in India and made research like report and showed it to my parents and they did their own researching and we all together finalized a college. It almost took me a whole month. As far as I know Indian parents are the only mammals on earth so deeply interested in their offspring’s life. In such an environment how on earth would two INDIAN boys set out to study from a mobile network that too an Indian mobile network. You know what is funny about Indian mobile networks, they are like BATMAN, can never predict its arrival, except Batman had a working bat‘SIGNAL’. As the ad moves along, we find that the two boys have started figuring out the As and Bs of cooking from internet using the IIN and they rent out the terrace of an old building and start all their practical tests there. And one fine day they decide that they are good enough to start their own restaurant (on the same terrace). Now the old terrace looks like a million dollar villa’s terrace and I have no idea how they did that (maybe they learned that too from IIN). And the funniest part-uh nah- this is the second funniest part- we see foreign customers! Have you got any idea how long it takes to get a foreign customer especially for restaurants in India. I have been to places where they hang pictures of foreigners who have come there. Indians have deep respect and awe for foreigners, then why did we ask them to leave India in the first place O.o? The foreign woman asks for some dish which obviously our IIN chef did not know how to prepare. He Googles it out!! He finds it and cooks it- the point to be noted is that he didn’t know the dish at all in the beginning and hence he hasn’t made it even for once and then he makes it right in the first try. Well I am not making any comparisons and all but I took a week to learn how to make a proper burger! Forget that part let us move on. Now ladies and gentlemen presenting to you the most funniest part of the ad- the two boys they get to be in the cover page of a magazine following which they get the ‘’BEST HOTEL AWARD’. I didn’t know it was this easy to get an award in hospitality. I bet the owners of various restaurants and hotels would have lost their cool after seeing this ad. The sad part is that the service providers believe that they can actually woo the customers by such awful ads.

index

Now the second one – this one is less ridiculous as compared to the first one. This ad belongs to AIRTEL. The ad starts with portraying a young guy who seems to be a travelling places on his motorcycle. Well travellers usually travel to places they have never been to but our guy is here at his home town. Well can’t completely criticize that, preferences of travellers varies. Moving on, the guy sees an old man selling ice creams in his old cart.  He (young guy) suddenly takes his smart phone and starts recording the video of the old man. Soon there is a group chat among his friends (supposedly school friends). Now let us meet the friends. When the guy calls them, a lady is shooting (she is behind the camera) something in a forest like area, there is another guy who is in navy uniform, and a corporate guy in shirt and tie. They all are surprised to see the old man. They all come down to their old school where our first guy says he met the old ice cream man. They wait for the old fellow to come, and as he comes they call out “Uncle!” and the old guy turns to look at them, he stares at them. The ageing has mildly affected his memory. Then each shout out the money they owe to him. He smiles at them and says “No more loans for you all”. They shout out “We are not here for loans, we are here to repay it!” Then a huge red bus is seen with UNCLE’S ICE CREAM written on its sides in huge white letters and an image of the old guy. Well very touchy isn’t it. Basically the story is that the gang used to hang out having ice creams from this old guy (who wasn’t old then-duh!) and they owed him some amount each, and they are here to return all that along with some generous interest. All the viewers after seeing this would have wished to have given them loans when they were kids!! This has got a very cute and touching storyline but the reality is if we had such people around this world would have been a really great place to live in. What I think would have been more acceptable is that maybe they all going down to that place and meeting him and paying him something extra rather than buying him a whole new huge truck. How is he going to maintain it now? Am not being too much of a critic but we live in a world where kids don’t have time to spend with their parents, that’s a fact and we got to face it. In such a world people, that too people with high profile jobs keep all their work aside to meet this old man. But I have to admit this one is much better than the former one discussed.

Airtel-Uncles-Ice-Cream-Tv-Ad-MP3-Ringtone

After seeing this ads I still am sitting on the couch staring at my phone, but I am not staring at any posts or any wall, just at my phone and am thinking “They show me this piece of thing can make so many differences, but I have seen no one using it that way. All I see outside day in and day out is people walking around looking into these, people driving around looking into these, people talking to each other looking into these. Well what do I trust now.” And I myself figure out the answer for it, I picked this up from my brother “A technology’s use cannot be generalized, it depends on the user! A wise one makes wise use of it while a foolish one uses it for foolish purposes!”

Well now that’s done with, I continue to scroll down facebook posts and watch– uh sorry- hear the movie.

HEY THERE I AM NOT USING WHATS APP!

whatsapp

Dated 17th November 2014

Hello there! How you people doing? Haven’t been here lately! You ask me why? Well few months back I got myself a smart phone just like millions of others and now I am pretty sure I won’t have to explain any further 😛 . Now I am here because couple of days back my smart phone decided not to be smart anymore…yea some software issue that a commerce student would fail to imbibe.

Have you ever been there..that place when you have used so much of social media and then one fine day it all vanishes into thin air and you stand there not knowing what to do. Like there was nothing for me to do. Well am here there right now. Initially I found it very difficult; boring days and sleepless nights thinking about what went wrong with my phone and how to rectify it not because of my immense love to the phone but because I was a complete social media addict. But right now I realize how peaceful my life has been. How getting other people’s issue off my mind has made my days better. How getting calls from people value. How looking around is better than smiling onto the screen. How reading things handwritten is much better than reading whatsapp texts.

After spending a month in U.A.E I have reached my town where I did my schooling. This place is stuffed with memories…really stuffed! I have been through the most trying times in this place. I haven’t missed this place though but you know that little gush of happiness and excitement you get when you see a place you have spent a major time of your life, after a year and a half! I sat through the night and read all the things I wrote in bits and pieces of papers left here and there. My journals were hilarious; I always knew there was a reason why I stopped writing journal! But every page took me the very memory that I had jotted down. It felt great to be there again.

I was completely cut off from the outside world! No internet (that is why I have added the date to this article because I have no idea when I will be able to upload this!), no smart phone, no television. I am a very bad techie, although I call myself one I have to say that I am a bad one, well now I don’t even know if I am one! I had not kept any backup for the details in my smart phone. Every bit of thing worth to be noted was duly noted in that piece of metal(whatever).  Huge loss hit me! My contacts, my details and my pictures all were lost. Now I have a very few contacts and that too not the ones that I need right now. I feel like am stuck in a deserted island. All I could possibly to do was to wait for them to call me (hmm…chance to know if they really wanted to hear from me *evil smile*)

But having my phone and being connected was fun too. It kept me away from those thoughts that would send me to depression or useless thoughts that made me uneasy. It kept me busy. Now what I have realized today is that in our lives everything has a thin line that divides from extremes, that divides sanity and insanity, that divides strengths and weaknesses. That is the line we ought to figure out. It is like flappy bIrds (there again, comparing to an android app!), you got to fly right through the gap between the pillars to move on or else you are just gonna keep on banging onto the pillars and stay at the same place. What the problem seems to be is that we fail to find that line .And I am quite sure that I will be my old self when my phone is back because that is how we are. Isn’t It?

Hang in there people, now that I am jobless more will be coming 😀 !

Store Zombies ….

shoppers

I hate going to stores at night, I just don’t like how people are at that time in the stores. They act like zombies 😦 . But I had to get couple of stuffs immediately so the option of home delivery was off the list and the only available option was me spending my time kept aside for scrolling and tapping.

The sight of the store filled with people turned me into THE GRUMPY CAT. “I loathe all of them!” I said to myself (This talking to myself thing has been bothering me a lot. I don’t even know if it is actually sane).  People go around digging whatever they want, pushing their way to the counters and trying to outsmart each other. We could really call it the “THE HUNGER GAMES”, I mean the name suits.

I had to grab some onions and as I reached there it seemed as if the whole city was there to get onions. I decided to stay away from the crowd. “I’ll wait…” I did it again…I talked to myself again ….damn. I stood there watching people go mad over onions; they were digging to find better ones.

As all this commotion happened, a store staff came by holding a new batch of onions. I could tell from his face that the box was really heavy. He was very young, maybe couple of years elder to me. He stood there trying to say something but probably did not know which language to speak. Meanwhile I had an evil smile…. “Patience is a virtue! I am gonna get the good ones!” But one fellow competitor turned around just to see the poor lad with the bunch of fresh onions. He then put all his attention and efforts on the new batch straight away from the box, and soon everyone joined him. They all started to grab onions from the box as the boy stood their holding it in his arms.

I was literally shocked. I wanted to speak out but I knew very well that if I utter a word it is not gonna be good. I just stormed out of the place disgustingly. It is really sad to realize that how selfish we all have gotten. How aloof or apathetic we have been towards the feelings of others.

SELFIE ……

My weekends are quiet and uneventful. I like to sleep at odd hours at odd places like a cat – soon after a relaxing heavy breakfast I would simply fall on the couch or just below my bed because weekend is completely a casual thing! You are allowed to do anything. You don’t have to care about the time or how you look or what you are wearing ( well weekends are like that at least for me and I would suggest you people to make your weekends like this).

This weekend after one such nap I was scrolling down the usual bunch of crap that Facebook brushes on my face! My wall was filled with selfies-selfie in cafè, selfies in trial room, selfies with pets and girlfriend, and on and on!  I looked this one up on the universal encyclopedia – Google. Google is like Grand Master Oogway!  “selfie definition.” and enter! Boom around ten appropriate links fill my screen along with a definition which says “a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one with a Smartphone or a webcam and uploaded to a social media.”

Then a link appeared in my screen which said ‘The most inappropriate selfies’ and I would like to share a few …

#1 – SELFIE AT A FUNERAL !

selfie #1

am kinda too shocked to comment on this….. 😦

#2 SELFIE WHEN YOU MIGHT END IN A PLANE CRASH

plane crash selfie

#3 SELFIE WHEN YOU MIGHT REALLY BE KILLED …. KILLED BRUTALLY

running with bulls

#4 SELFIE WHEN YOU ARE IN A HOSPITAL GOING THROUGH IMMENSE PAIN … (VERY BRAVE )

in the hospital

There are many more, if you really want to give it a look, go ahead

http://likes.com/comedy/selfies-taken-at-the-most-inappropriate-moments

I too take selfies but I don’t think so I would be able to take any of these kind of selfies…. 😦

I AM STRONG, MENTALLY STRONG!!

mental_strengthI was back after a long walk and I felt that my body required some fluid refill. My throat was as dry as the deserts in the country. I decided to stop by a store and revive myself. I walked to the long refrigerator and stared at the bunch of ENERGY drinks. There was RED BULL, MONSTER, POCARI SWEAT and more. I did not look at the usual fizzy drink side not that I don’t have any mental strength but those cans had some kind of hypnotic power. But then some evil mind had placed a can of mountain dew in between red bull cans and who says no to a can of mountain dew! I grabbed it (see I told you they all have that power) and I walked away without even thinking twice. I was dying to pour the whole can into my mouth. But when I reached the counter I was bewildered! There was a long queue in every counter. How did this even happen? Today was a usual weekday and it felt that each family in the neighborhood had done with their supplies! I stood there infuriated like a teenager who was stopped from taking a selfie. Each one in the queue had a trolley filled up with stuffs and there were 7 of them in front of me. My mathematical part of the brain started to function (it functions for completely worthless stuffs and when I need it the most my brain is like – “math whats that? hey it rhymes!” >.<). Taking an average of 20 items in a trolley for each person I would have to wait for 140 items to be counted and paid for so that I could pay for my one and half bucks worth drink. I lost the will to find out a way but it was then it struck me “Idiot go find the counter for less than 10 items!” that was my brain and as I was going to move away from the counter my heart stops by to tell “dude what if that counter is more crowded than this one. Its gonna be a loss-loss!”. We always stick to our heart don’t we? I continued to stand in the queue. I couldn’t help but stare into the trolley of the person standing right in front of me. He had a lot of stuffs when I say a lot I really mean it! oh c’mon man who takes these many cans of cream? For a moment there I thought the cashier was doing all in slow motion but that was his real speed and I even thought I would have to spend the whole night in the store. The cold mountain dew can was now getting all wet and I couldn’t be any more mad and angry. It was then this spectacularly huge man came. He was huge like a giant with rippling muscles. He was for sure pretty strong not just physically but mentally too. I realized that when I saw that he had a can of Red Bull in his hand. I was intimidated by this guy. He made me feel like a small dwarf. He was looking for a gap to jump the queue. He tried to squeeze his way in one of the queues and all he got was strange stern look from the lady and I thought she would bite him. How can anyone allow that? After waiting so long for your turn you can’t let a person who just came in to get in so easily. If you have to pay for that you got to take some efforts man! I wouldn’t ever allow that guy to get before me not just that I would also shout at him. Really I would, I was so mad I could have shouted to any stranger for no reason. This huge guy wasn’t ready to give up. He kept looking around for a gap to get in. “Shameless…giant!” and I realized that my queue was almost done. I stared at the magazines kept in the counter when suddenly a shadow falls upon George Clooney in the cover page. I looked back and found the giant looking at me right into my eyes as if he was trying to hypnotize me. I immediately looked away- “Keep no eye contact!” brain commanded and I just did it (for the first time heart is nowhere in the scene because it was too busy beating. I felt like my heart was near my ears now!) “Excuse me …” a huge sound fills my ear and I looked at him helplessly smiling. He smiled back and got right in front of me. He stood right there, and I couldn’t find my voice. He paid for his Red Bull and walked away. I paid for my drink and walked away. But I did not, not even for a moment doubt my mental strength. I was just being nice to a complete HUGE stranger who badly needed help. I hope people just won’t force the ‘help’ out of me  :/ .

hey , my bro has got my back !

I shut the door behind me and walked through the hallway to the elevator. Two kids were playing football, brothers I guess. One around 10 years old and the other would have been around 3 or 4 years. The elder ran behind the ball with Lionel Messi’s expression as he was close to score and the other ran aimlessly laughing, he did not care much about scoring a goal, all he wanted was to run around with his brother. This took me many years back ( FLASHBACK :P).

It isnt black and white, it is the year 1997 as per the date written in the left hand bottom corner of the video. I am a year and 4 months old, wearing a white shirt and blue shorts. My brother almost nine years old. We are in a park playing football. It was the similar thing, my brother got to play with the ball all the time, and I never got to touch it …well I couldn’t touch it because I could barely walk :P. I kept on falling and my brother with another friend of his kept on playing the game. The video shows me complaining to my dad( who was taking the video) that they were not giving me the ball and when they did all I had to do was fall and nothing else.I love the video not just because it had the younger me in it but because it had my younger dad, mom and most of all my brother who shared the screen equally with me. I love comparing that brother who I don’t remember much with the present brother who I see now.

I don’t remember doing many things with my brother because the age difference we had between our self was a huge barrier. He got matured for my plays way soon 😦 . And the fact that he had to leave me for higher education (I am really beginning to hate that word…why do people have to leave their loved ones just to get good HIGHER EDUCATION…). My early memories with him was the daily drop to school bus stop. I did not like the idea of going to school much and whenever I think of going to school, I used to get  butterflies in my stomach which eventually made me cry( it was way back then, I don’t cry now…really !) I wouldn’t let go of my mother in the mornings and it was my brother who would pull me to the bus stop. He had afternoon shift in the school, the poor guy always had to give up his sleep because he had to take me to the stop. I remember clutching his finger tightly weeping. He would have a grumpy face and would be continuously rubbing his eyes.

He was the one who taught me the basics of my sport love cricket. I am a left handed batsman and a right arm bowler and this surprised my friends because it is a strange combination. When they ask I proudly say ” Well that’s how my brother taught me :D.” and would always dream (just a dream) of telling an interviewer sometime in the future this story like the great Indian captain Saurav Ganguly happily recollects why he chose to bat left handed just to use his brother’s cricket kit.He would come to my class during lunch breaks and take away something from my lunch box, I still remember his classic smile. That smile used to infuriate me then but now it can melt my anger at any point.

As time went by I learnt better lessons from him like how to be a perfect man. He was my complete idea of a tough guy. He taught me how to see things in its way and how to face problems by being cool. He thought me to dream big, to write and read big.

He is right there grooming for an interview he is going to attend. I helped him to choose the shirt he was going to wear for the interview( sounds bit girly but I don’t care !)and whenever he listens to me and accepts my opinion I rise in the air.Years have passed and I guess we both are in the same level of maturity. We have passed that phase of differences and pity fights. We have grown up that we both can accept each other’s suggestions and opinions without having to argue. I love how it feels right now and I really hope that we continue to be like this rest of our lives.

As I was in deep thoughts and memories it suddenly struck me that I have been standing in front of the elevators for the past ten minutes and not one of them showed up. What the hell ?? Or did I miss it ? Oh man….